The research, published in The Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology has found that children who have critical parents learn to pay less attention to faces that express any type of emotions, both positive and negative. It is also important for our own wellbeing, as it shapes the meaning we make about the intentions, needs and wants of others and their feelings towards us.
The increased tendency to avoid positive emotion as well as negative emotion undermines their capacity to receive positive information. Researchers suggest that this could potentially create a vulnerability to anxiety or depression. The researchers suggest that the tendency to avoid paying attention to facial expressions is an adaptive measure — and it makes sense.
The researchers suggest that children who are exposed consistently to criticism develop a greater need to avoid facial expression, as a way to avoid the feelings that come with parental criticism. When children are exposed to consistent criticism, they are primed to expect criticism not only from their parents, but from others as well. For all children, the first messages about how the world sees them comes from their parents, or whoever is in charge of their primary care.
We want that. Criticism drives the need to avoid criticism, and this becomes the primary influencer of behaviour. Sometimes this will lead to good behaviour. Other times it will lead to secrecy and lies. Sometimes they will need redirecting towards a healthier way of being. What it means is responding to them with compassion and patience, and in such a way that gives them the space to safely explore the lessons they need to learn, without fracturing their sense of self.
It means speaking to them in a way that shines the light on their strengths, rather than their deficiencies. This will also help to keep our connection with them strong, and we want this if want influence.
When we have influence, we can use it to impart and strengthen the values on which they will base their decisions and their behaviour. Now, can we talk about what happened? We been beside them, gently steering and influencing them since the beginning of them.
There are precious opportunities for learning in the mistakes our children make, but some of those lessons will take time. Sometimes a long time. We squander those opportunities when we try to direct them through fear. Our children have a long time to learn the lessons they need to learn. In the meantime, their most valuable compass is us. If we want them to listen to be open to our influence and our guidance, we need to give it in a way that is easy for them to receive, not in a way that makes them want to shut down.
When we try too hard to control them through criticism or through any other means that fractures their spirit, we lose them. We might force compliance in the moment, but any behaviour that is driven by the need to stay out of trouble will always be more fragile than behaviour that is driven by the need to do the right thing.
The more we can let go of the need to be perfect parents, the more we can respond to our children with compassion and wisdom, and in a way that opens up our influence.
When we treat them as though they already are the people we want them to be, we give them a powerful lift towards getting there. When we accept criticism, apply it, and move forward, not only do we benefit--but others benefit from our example. Let's go back to that opening story. Although I learned a major lesson that day, we could argue that David didn't respond with great EQ. But I took his words to heart, asked him why he felt the way he did, and learned from his honesty.
But if you work at controlling yourself and your emotions, every situation becomes a chance to learn and grow--just like that one from years ago did Top Stories. Top Videos. Getty Images. Remember: When you're striving for excellence, the small stuff matters.
The first step in improving any weakness: Recognize that it's there. And therein lies the moral: Nobody's perfect; we won't always respond in the best way possible. Sponsored Business Content. But, if you put forward an interesting idea or reach great heights with your skill, then there is more for an expert to critique.
So, when you get a really incisive critique of your work, take a moment to recognize what an achievement it is to make another smart person think hard to give you feedback. Finally, remember that it may get a little easier over time to handle criticism, but the sting may never go away.
At least I know how my response is going to unfold. AWS Deloitte Genpact. Events Innovation Festival. Follow us:. By Art Markman 4 minute Read. So, why does it feel so lousy to get this criticism when it arrives? Impact Impact Can this startup for home kitchen cooking create a new kind of takeout? Impact The minute city can make urban living more sustainable—and inspire the suburbs Impact 5 key things you need to know about carbon offsets.
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